It all started when our adventure-loving... adventurer, Mia, woke up in a foxy forest. It was the sixth time it had happened. Feeling alarmingly angered, Mia poked a carrot, thinking it would make her feel better (but as usual, it did not). Absolutely thrilled, she realized that her beloved Unstable Blog Writer was missing! Immediately she called her favorite rape victim, The arrogant mentor. Mia had known The arrogant mentor for (plus or minus) half a million years, the majority of which were striking ones. The arrogant mentor was unique. He was smart though sometimes a little... annoying. Mia called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.
The arrogant mentor picked up to a very calm Mia. The arrogant mentor
assured her that most man-eating capybaras turn red before
mating, yet long-haired sea monkeys usually indiscriminately cringe
*after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned
with distracting Mia. Why was The arrogant mentor trying to distract
Mia? Because he had snuck out from Mia's with the Unstable Blog Writer
only seven days prior. It was a curious little Unstable Blog Writer...
how could he resist?
It didn't take long before Mia got back to the subject at hand: her
Unstable Blog Writer. The arrogant mentor shuddered. Relunctantly, The
arrogant mentor invited her over, assuring her they'd find the Unstable
Blog Writer. Mia grabbed her hammock and disembarked immediately. After
hanging up the phone, The arrogant mentor realized that he was in
trouble. He had to find a place to hide the Unstable Blog Writer and he
had to do it carefully. He figured that if Mia took the
best-in-its-so-called-'class' sedan, he had take at least two minutes
before Mia would get there. But if she took the Listbuilding Warp
Truck? Then The arrogant mentor would be excessively screwed.
Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, The arrogant
mentor was interrupted by three oafish snoring Siberian Grizzly
Retrievers that were lured by his Unstable Blog Writer. The arrogant
mentor shuddered; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling worried, he carefully
reached for his live hand grenade and randomly backhanded every last
one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged
critters began to scurry back toward the swamp, squealing with
discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the
Listbuilding Warp Truck rolling up. It was Mia.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
As she pulled up, she felt a sense of urgency. She had had to make an
unscheduled stop at Wal-Mart to pick up a 12-pack of dull pencils, so
she knew she was running late. With a apt leap, Mia was out of the
Listbuilding Warp Truck and went exotically jaunting toward The arrogant
mentor's front door. Meanwhile inside, The arrogant mentor was
panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the Unstable Blog Writer into a box
of ninja stars and then slid the box behind his whale. The arrogant
mentor was concerned but at least the Unstable Blog Writer was
concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,' The arrogant mentor explosively purred. With a apt push,
Mia opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by
some pestering self-righteous ass in a time machine,' she lied. 'It's
fine,' The arrogant mentor assured her. Mia took a seat ridiculously far
from where The arrogant mentor had hidden the Unstable Blog Writer. The
arrogant mentor yawned trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness.
'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Mia was distracted. As
if it really mattered The arrogant mentor noticed a stupid look on Mia's
face. Mia slowly opened her mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
The arrogant mentor felt a stabbing pain in his prostate when Mia
asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden
the Unstable Blog Writer right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I
don't smell anything..!' A lie. A clueless look started to form on
Mia's face. She turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place.
'Th-th-those are just my grandma's ripened avocados from when she used
to have pet venomous koalas. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'.
Mia nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before The arrogant mentor
could react, Mia aptly lunged toward the box and opened it. The
Unstable Blog Writer was plainly in view.
Mia stared at The arrogant mentor for what what must've been eleven
minutes. Unaware of the bleakness of existence, The arrogant mentor
groped charismatically in Mia's direction, clearly desperate. Mia
grabbed the Unstable Blog Writer and bolted for the door. It was
locked. The arrogant mentor let out a electric chuckle. 'If only you
hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have
happened, Mia,' he rebuked. The arrogant mentor always had been a little
oafish, so Mia knew that reconciliation was not an option; she needed
to escape before The arrogant mentor did something crazy, like... start
chucking potatos at him or something. Suddenly cheered up by the Hamtaro
theme song, she gripped her Unstable Blog Writer tightly and made a
dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
The arrogant mentor looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed
excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Mia. 'And
to think, I varnished that window frame three days ago...it never ends!'
Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Mia. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still
silence. The arrogant mentor walked over to the window and looked down.
Mia was gone.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Just yonder, Mia was struggling to make her way through the secret
vineyard behind The arrogant mentor's place. Mia had severely hurt her
fingernail during the window incident, and was starting to lose
strength. Another pack of feral snoring Siberian Grizzly Retrievers
suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the Unstable Blog Writer. One
by one they latched on to Mia. Already weakened from her injury, Mia
yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing she saw
before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of snoring Siberian
Grizzly Retrievers running off with her Unstable Blog Writer.
But then God came down with His clever smile and restored Mia's
Unstable Blog Writer. Feeling puzzled, God smote the snoring Siberian
Grizzly Retrievers for their injustice. Then He got in His 'modded'
Civic and zipped away with the fortitude of 153 Indonesian devil cats
running from a bloated pack of legless puppies. Mia danced with joy when
she saw this. Her Unstable Blog Writer was safe. It was a good thing,
too, because in three minutes her favorite TV show, 'Network Of Mystery',
was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When 3-legged wallabies
meet contraceptive'). Mia was relieved. And so, everyone except The
arrogant mentor and a few contraceptive-toting albino cats lived
blissfully, marked by joy and pleasure, forever after.
-Do you have any Unstable Blog Writer hidden away somewhere?
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