Friday, October 1, 2010

The misunderstood, unjust assistant haunted by dark memories...

 It all started when our adventure-loving... adventurer, Mia, woke up in a foxy forest. It was the sixth time it had happened. Feeling alarmingly angered, Mia poked a carrot, thinking it would make her feel better (but as usual, it did not). Absolutely thrilled, she realized that her beloved Unstable Blog Writer was missing!  Immediately she called her favorite rape victim, The arrogant mentor. Mia had known The arrogant mentor for (plus or minus) half a million years, the majority of which were striking ones.  The arrogant mentor was unique. He was smart though sometimes a little... annoying. Mia called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.

   The arrogant mentor picked up to a very calm Mia. The arrogant mentor assured her that most man-eating capybaras turn red before mating, yet long-haired sea monkeys usually indiscriminately cringe *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Mia.  Why was The arrogant mentor trying to distract Mia?  Because he had snuck out from Mia's with the Unstable Blog Writer only seven days prior.  It was a curious little Unstable Blog Writer... how could he resist?

   It didn't take long before Mia got back to the subject at hand: her Unstable Blog Writer. The arrogant mentor shuddered. Relunctantly, The arrogant mentor invited her over, assuring her they'd find the Unstable Blog Writer. Mia grabbed her hammock and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, The arrogant mentor realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the Unstable Blog Writer and he had to do it carefully. He figured that if Mia took the best-in-its-so-called-'class' sedan, he had take at least two minutes before Mia would get there.  But if she took the Listbuilding Warp Truck?  Then The arrogant mentor would be excessively screwed.

   Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, The arrogant mentor was interrupted by three oafish snoring Siberian Grizzly Retrievers that were lured by his Unstable Blog Writer. The arrogant mentor shuddered; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling worried, he carefully reached for his live hand grenade and randomly backhanded every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the swamp, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief.  That's when he heard the Listbuilding Warp Truck rolling up.  It was Mia.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

   As she pulled up, she felt a sense of urgency. She had had to make an unscheduled stop at Wal-Mart to pick up a 12-pack of dull pencils, so she knew she was running late.  With a apt leap, Mia was out of the Listbuilding Warp Truck and went exotically jaunting toward The arrogant mentor's front door.  Meanwhile inside,  The arrogant mentor was panicking.  Not thinking, he tossed the Unstable Blog Writer into a box of ninja stars and then slid the box behind his whale. The arrogant mentor was concerned but at least the Unstable Blog Writer was concealed.  The doorbell rang.

   'Come in,' The arrogant mentor explosively purred.  With a apt push, Mia opened the door.  'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some pestering self-righteous ass in a time machine,' she lied.  'It's fine,' The arrogant mentor assured her. Mia took a seat ridiculously far from where The arrogant mentor had hidden the Unstable Blog Writer. The arrogant mentor yawned trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness.  'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted.  But Mia was distracted. As if it really mattered The arrogant mentor noticed a stupid look on Mia's face. Mia slowly opened her mouth to speak.

   '...What's that smell?'

   The arrogant mentor felt a stabbing pain in his prostate when Mia asked this.  In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the Unstable Blog Writer right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what?  I don't smell anything..!'  A lie.  A clueless look started to form on Mia's face. She turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's ripened avocados from when she used to have pet venomous koalas.  She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Mia nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before The arrogant mentor could react, Mia aptly lunged toward the box and opened it.  The Unstable Blog Writer was plainly in view.

   Mia stared at The arrogant mentor for what what must've been eleven minutes. Unaware of the bleakness of existence, The arrogant mentor groped charismatically in Mia's direction, clearly desperate. Mia grabbed the Unstable Blog Writer and bolted for the door.  It was locked. The arrogant mentor let out a electric chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Mia,' he rebuked. The arrogant mentor always had been a little oafish, so Mia knew that reconciliation was not an option; she needed to escape before The arrogant mentor did something crazy, like... start chucking potatos at him or something. Suddenly cheered up by the Hamtaro theme song, she gripped her Unstable Blog Writer tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

   The arrogant mentor looked on, blankly. 'What the hell?  That seemed excessive.  The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Mia. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame three days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Mia. 'Oh.  You ..okay?' Still silence. The arrogant mentor walked over to the window and looked down. Mia was gone.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

   Just yonder, Mia was struggling to make her way through the secret vineyard behind The arrogant mentor's place. Mia had severely hurt her fingernail during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength.  Another pack of feral snoring Siberian Grizzly Retrievers suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the Unstable Blog Writer.  One by one they latched on to Mia.  Already weakened from her injury, Mia yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed.  The last thing she saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of snoring Siberian Grizzly Retrievers running off with her Unstable Blog Writer.

   But then God came down with His clever smile and restored Mia's Unstable Blog Writer. Feeling puzzled, God smote the snoring Siberian Grizzly Retrievers for their injustice.  Then He got in His 'modded' Civic and zipped away with the fortitude of 153 Indonesian devil cats running from a bloated pack of legless puppies. Mia danced with joy when she saw this. Her Unstable Blog Writer was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in three minutes her favorite TV show, 'Network Of Mystery', was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When 3-legged wallabies meet contraceptive'). Mia was relieved. And so, everyone except The arrogant mentor and a few contraceptive-toting albino cats lived blissfully, marked by joy and pleasure, forever after.

-Do you have  any Unstable Blog Writer hidden away somewhere?


Mia Hienovirta
Skype: miawillberg
My Business

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